Fall
by Broken Boys
Summary: I close my eyes and realize that this is what it feels like to fall.


Fall

The air here smells different. It's not as clean as what I've grown accustomed to.

I can feel the sun coming up behind me and even its rays cannot permeate the cold I seem to be forever surrounded in. A cold that has frozen me to the point where my muscles seem to no longer shiver from it. A cold that leaves me a mute statue perched on the edge of life and death. On the edge of existence with pain or death without it.

If I die today, I have no one to blame but myself. If I die today, it won't be because he didn't save me or couldn't save me or couldn't make it here in time.

It will be because he's a liar.

Yes, I'm crazy. I might even be fucking insane. But there is one thing that I'm not. The one thing that I wish I could have been all this time. The one thing that could have prevented all of the wallowing in self-doubt, the sleepless nights, and this burning weight in the center of my chest.

I'm not blind.

Somewhere along the way, I think the lines of wanting to be his friend and confidant gnarled with the path of obsession and possession and the mixture became something intolerable. It burns in my veins. It's corrosive. It created this hollow inside of me that nothing can fill. Nameless fucks. Bottles of alcohol. Pills. Nothing can fill the hollow or stop the burn. Nothing.

I don't understand him and it hurts like hell that I never will.

I don't understand how he could care enough to save my life but not care enough to save my sanity.

The statue shifts and I watch as the arm that no longer feels attached to my body moves in front of me and drops the cell phone.

I've never been here before. This bridge is foreign to me. Maybe there's water under the fog. Maybe there isn't.

There was no panic in his voice just now. I'm not surprised. He's a very strong man.

I wish I could pinpoint when we stopped being friends. I don't think that there was really an exact moment. We both have lied to each other, but I can tell by the look in his eyes that it pains him to do it.

I'm not going to lie this time, though.

I'm doing this to test him.

If he can get here in the next few minutes and stop me, then I'll know two things for certain. I'll know that he's been dishonest with me this entire time because he doesn't trust me. I'll also know that I'll have destroyed the final vestige of anything inside of me that strives to be good, honest or fair when I look into his face.

I'll have finally forced his hand and will have taken away the one thing that makes us all equally human - the ability to make our own decisions. And I say this because I can feel in my bones that if he can save me, it won't be a choice for him. It will just be something that's ingrained in him to do.

If I've been a fool all this time and I really am crazy…if I've really been deceiving myself all this time and forcing myself to put puzzle pieces together that don't actually fit, I will at least know that he will be better off without my investigations and my accusations and the stress that I've most certainly placed upon him.

If I die today, it won't be because he didn't save me or couldn't save me or couldn't make it here in time. It will be because I want to. Maybe I want to because I need all of these feelings that I have waging war inside of me to cease to exist. Maybe I want peace, everlasting peace, and I know that Clark can't save me and this is just me making an excuse.

Maybe I don't know anything any fucking more.

The air here smells different and I fill my lungs with it one last time before I take that final step. I hold it in my lungs as it presses against the nothing inside of me and makes my skin tight and my body heavy as I feel the finality of my decision sitting on my chest just waiting to crush the air out of my lungs.

I hold it in my lungs as I take that final step.

Back.

The impact is worse than I expected. My mind is crystal clear and I can feel everything.

But it's not metal that's ripping into the meat of me and breaking my bones apart. It's not rubber causing the flesh to separate from my muscles. It's not my body being completely destroyed by a vehicle as it dismembers me as we collide at over 70 miles per hour.

The impact is none of these things.

It's warm and solid and strong and it hurts more than a car ever could.

As he holds me in his protective arms, my body feels whole and heavy. My bones are not broken. My skin is not damaged.

I'm alive.

As he places me on the ground, I can feel his body trembling against mine as he hugs me tighter than he ever has before.

I force myself to step away from his warmth so that I can look into his face. Standing in front of me is all the proof that I've so desperately craved. I've forced his hand and in doing so I've committed the ultimate betrayal.

My voice sounds hollow, even to my own ears.

"I was right all along. You aren't even human."

The look on his face is too much for me to bear.

"No, Lex. I'm not."

I would have been better off dead.

I close my eyes.

I close my eyes and realize that this is what it feels like to fall.


End file.
